There’s a lot of things in life we can’t control. It’s comforting to think that we have control of our body since it feels like one of the only things in life under our control. As a teenager, i fought to feel that by doing nude and lingerie shoots. I got piercings and tattoos, I made my body my own. The day i got raped I felt my control swiftly vanish.
There’s something about that night and that area that makes the entirety of myself wretch. I don’t understand how anyone could have a mind that chooses to put someone through this pain. It’s as if he cut the last thread of control i felt i had in my life. Some days i feel like i landed on a ledge, others i slip back off into the endless abyss of my minds torture. It shouldn’t hurt so much, I didn’t choose for this to happen. I did choose to go to a near strangers cabin and drink without having a plan on how i was going to leave. I chose to leave my drink unattended. I chose to trust him. I don’t blame myself for this hardship, I wish i was smart about my actions.
So what made this so different than other experiences? It’s not like I’ve never been in bed with someone before. I told myself i wanted it too, it’s not so bad. But why can’t i remember him leading me to the room? Why do i only have a moment of memory of the act? Why couldn’t i open my eyes? “I don’t just get girls drunk to bring them to bed” still rings through my head. I only had 5 drinks, how was i so helpless? Some things are best left never knowing the full truth to.
What makes it ok?
What gives your the right?
The door wasn’t locked, but I didn’t let you in.
You led me away to dance
But I never took your hand.
I gave you no struggle
I gave you no approval.
Then awoke in a pitch black room
Left alone with the open door you broke
Just because you could.
Who is there to turn to
When all they say is it gets better.
For they know there’s nothing they can say that will heal
When their door still has a deadbolt.
What made this hurt so much? What makes it stand out from other pains in life? I’m not sure if i can ever understand why it lays so much heavier on my heart. What i do know is he took away my voice, my control. I didn’t get to control what happened to my own body. My lifeless body. While he gets the memory of getting laid that night, I get the nightmares of being helpless and vulnerable.
I have always had issues with dissociating when my anxious mind becomes too much. After that painful day, these episodes became more frequent. My body freezes in a state of fear, anger, and pain. Eyes glazed over now stuck in my mind taking me back to that night. As if the wound never healed at all. I want to be able to fight it, snap out of it, but that needs an extreme amount of energy and willpower.
Just because i feel broken from it now doesn’t mean I’ll always feel like this. The good days give me hope, but I’m not naive enough to think it’ll one day be fine. I will always hurt from this, it will just hurt less and become more infrequent. After the first years passing I’ve felt a lot stronger and able to cope. As with anything else in life, I’ll learn to accept this reality and hopefully save someone else from ever having to deal with this. Life’s too short to stay angry and hurt from someone else’s mistake.
Jaded Roses Rising 