The concept of addiction has always baffled me to an extent. You can be addicted to caffeine and nobody bats an eye. You can be addicted to certain feelings, people, or substances. To me, it looks like a form of coping.
When you feel tired in the morning, you brew yourself a cup of coffee to wake up and fix the itch. When you feel alone, you find someone or something to fill that void. The worst coping I see far too often is coping with sadness, or the void feeling in your soul. Some find healthy ways like running or exercising, which helps battle that feeling in a healthy way.
In the teenage years i got hit hard with depression and every day was a struggle just to stay alive. It is an absolutely terrifying feeling to be scared of yourself, because in the end, you control your fate. I had many stages of coping with depression. It began with having many headaches as a preteen and popped around 10 Advil a day for around two years. At that age it never clicked to me that i was addicted to them or that they were even a danger to my health. I felt like i needed to take that many a day because when I didn’t take them i would get terrible headaches. Once i realized that was a form of withdrawal and that i was in fact addicted, i weaned off of them. I rarely take them now In hopes of reversing any damage i caused internally.
In the teenage years I began to self harm. It was a way for me to release pent up frustration and sadness. I told myself that it was my way of keeping myself alive. If i cut then i would let out enough pain to make it through another day. I am not ashamed of my scars now, they remind me of where i was in life and how much stronger i am now through all that. It took one cut to go too deep and hit an artery for me to realize that I didn’t want to die yet. I didn’t get it stitched in fear of being put in a psych ward. I thank god that I didn’t bleed out that night. I began working on quitting after that, i have rare slip ups every here and there but i am very thankful that i no longer need to cope that way.
My coping mechanism then turned into cigarettes and weed. I began smoking both of them daily. I knew cigarettes were bad for me but at least I wasn’t cutting now. I made rules about smoking weed like only past 7pm so i would still have time to be productive in the day. I never denied being addicted to these substances. I enjoyed having this comfort always readily available and felt they were much more socially acceptable for whenever i needed a pick me up. I smoked weed daily for 3 years and it had been the healthiest way i coped with this feeling of draining sadness. Ciggarettes are an off and on habit with the addition of vaping.
It seemed that void feeling never seemed to fully leave me. One day, no different then any other, i was offered acid. For whatever reason, i accepted. I’m the type of person that would do my research before jumping into something like this, but i didn’t have enough reasons not to try it. I tripped for 12hrs and felt a new sense of life. Parts of me awakened, some things became more clear. My mind opened in a way for me to now be able to write poetry and let my feelings flow more gracefully. Other parts of me numbed even more. I didn’t feel like my life really changed that much and gained a new hunger for this feeling of freedom and numbness. I tried different drugs and felt myself getting sucked in. From taking a drug once every other month, to once a month, to once a week. My excuse was that if I didn’t care if was alive why care what i do to myself? That is one of the most toxic mindsets to be in, there is nothing to stop you from continuing down this slippery slope if you so choose.
A mixture of thoughts and feelings made me quit. From nearly overdosing, knowing how terrible i felt the next few days, the drastic change in my moods, and pulling my car over to cry in a field were just a few reasons. The biggest reason was not being able to control my anger anymore. I could go from calm to boiling in rage over something simple that set me off. I cant take back the anger i threw out and the people i hurt due to that. The thought of the things i said and did breaks my heart.
Four months after sobering up I moved to British Columbia and this has been my healthiest coping mechanism yet! This winter i learned to snowboard. The adrenaline and workout i get from it makes me excited for the next day to come. I’m also surrounded by breathtaking nature that never fails to widen my eyes when i take a walk. One of the greatest feelings about moving out of my home town was being completely taken out of my comfort zone. It has helped me see that it’s possible to be whoever I want to be. It’s so easy to be stuck in your own rules of what you need to do and who you need to be. It’s will continuous struggle to allow myself to grow and accept who i am, but I have plenty of time to keep blossoming.
Completely uprooting my life gave me the best feeling of freedom and made me feel alive rather then numb. I’m so very thankful for all the experiences I’ve had in coping and having them shape the path i took in life to become the person i am today. Life is too short to regret past decisions when there is so much to learn from your former self. My main goal in life now is to just enjoy the ride and experience as much as i can!
Jaded Roses Rising 